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It's been 94 days since I said good bye to Campy. As my soul dog and constant companion for over 16 years, I continue to struggle with grief, loss and sadness. And on October 10th, we said good bye to our cat Madison, who had been the mediator of our house for the past 15 years.
Since Campy's passing, I've had three incredible races. I placed 9th at Norseman XTRI and was the first American female. I was the first female at IM 70.3 Louisville and I was the first amateur female at IM Chattanooga.
It's crazy to think that I could perform so well despite feeling so empty inside. The truth is that I was avoiding the process of grieving. I was so busy and focused that I didn't have time to fully feel or think about my loss. The warm weather, the races, the travel, the triathlon community - these amazing distractions allowed me to avoid all of the unpleasant emotions and feelings associated with loss.
I've experienced a lot of loss in my life. Losing my dad to cancer when I was 31 years old was extremely difficult. But losing Campy feels so much harder. However, I know that's not the case. It took me several years to work through the emotions with the loss of my dad. I know it will take time with Campy.
When I said good bye to Campy, I lost my soulmate. For over 16 years, we did everything together. And his last year of life required so much more love, attention and energy. I don't know who I am without him. Campy was apart of me. Loss is such a confusing and hard emotion to understand.
Coping with loss is a journey. Like training for an Ironman or extreme triathlon, it requires work. And although the emotions may be the same, no two people will experience grief in the exact same way. And like sport, grieving can be exhausting.
I miss Campy so much. Learning how to live without his physical presence has been very difficult.
Despite the heavy weight that I feel, I'm grateful for triathlon because it is a constant in my life.
Since IM Chattanooga, I'm giving myself a lot of grace with my "exercise" routine since I don't have any more races this season. And because of the loss of some of my favorite mountain roads and trails due to Hurricane Helene, I'm finding it extremely difficult to plan races for 2025. And combine that with the loss of the summer heat and humidity (which I love), I'm also struggling with motivation to train. But I make myself exercise each day because I know I come back feeling better than when I started. Even if it's only a 30 minute run, I need to get myself outside and moving. I use my friends to keep me accountable to showing up to a swim or group ride.
Grief hurts but it's an emotion that everyone experiences at some point in life. The only way to fully engage with grief is to open ourselves to it. I've been supressing my emotions for several months and my feelings neeed acknowledgment. That is why I wanted to write this blog. Despite the wins, the international travels and amazing adventures, life has been really hard over the past few months.
Without knowing that other people are going through (or have gone through) the same intensely painful experiences, irrational thoughts and exhausting emotions, we may never feel a sense of hope that we won't always feel this way. I'm learning that finding similarities between my own grief experiences and the experiences of others is important in the uniqueness of my grief journey.
I hope this blog post helps anyone who is struggling with loss.