I feel like a failure.
After tackling some pretty extreme conditions during my first few gravel rides - snow, ice, mud, water - along with completing a 72 mile group gravel ride with a group of fast and skillful guys and then a 104 mile muddy gravel event, I am embarrassed to say that I've now crashed twice on my gravel bike...in the past 8 days.
Last Saturday was an unfortunate accident where I hit a deep hole during the Sumter Forest Gravel race and with the impact, my handlebars flipped forward, which caused me to lose control. I was able to "softly" land on my left side with only a small road rash on my hip and knee. However, upon the impact of my chest on the bike frame when hitting the hole, I must have bruised my ribs in my right chest. The road rash healed nicely after a few days but I was still experiencing uncomfortable pain in my chest while swimming. Although I had tenderness in my chest while biking (less while running), working out always made it feel better and it remained somewhat tolerable for the hours post exercise.
Nonetheless, I was excited to get back on my gravel bike this past weekend. Although I was extra cautious, I didn't find myself riding with fear or worry. I was just being careful and keeping my distance from Karel and Alvi so that I could see what was ahead of me. Around 27 miles and just under 2 hours into our 67 mile gravel ride in Greenwood, SC. I found myself on the ground again. But this time the crash was much worse as it wasn't a soft landing. Thankfully, my helmet saved my head and I didn't break any bones. I hit a big rock on a flat gravel road. There are no excuses here. I just didn't see it. Again, an unfortunate accident. This crash was more dramatic as I felt myself sliding on the gravel. It knocked the wind out of me. Karel quickly turned around as he heard me scream when I hit the rock. He held my hand as I laid on the ground shaking until I was able to regain control over my breathing. Although I was pretty banged up, my bike was ok and after a few minutes of collecting myself, I got back on the bike and we rode back to the car - another 23 miles and 90+ minutes of riding. My arm and left hip (the same hip that I crashed on last weekend) was burning from the road rash, but I was more embarrassed than anything.
I didn't want to write about this accident. I take full responsibility for my mistakes. I crashed twice because I didn't see what was right in front of me. I am embarrassed and to be honest, I feel like I am failing at gravel riding. I can't help but compare myself to others and wonder if I should just give up.
I've experienced plenty of setbacks, obstacles and challenges in my life. Sometimes the right answer is to give up. Sometimes you need to pivot.
But imagine if every person who failed the first few times just gave up.
Thomas Edison - "I have not failed. I've just found 10,000 ways that won't work."
Albert Einstein - “I have tried 99 times and have failed, but on the 100th time came success.”
Although I hold many "expert" titles after my name (exercise physiologist, board certified sport dietitian, author, Ironman female amateur champion, mom of Campy), I never shy away from vulnerability. For many, vulnerability can be seen as a weakness. Vulnerability doesn't mesh well with wanting to come across as strong, perfect and right. But I am not afraid to talk about how I'm feeling, being honest with others and admitting my setbacks and mistakes.
Let's face it, there's a certain amount of risk in putting yourself out there. The reality is that I have had a few struggles in the past two weeks. It's unlikely that anyone is envious of my gravel journey. But I refuse to paint a rosy picture that my gravel biking journey has gone smoothly. Like in life, we all go through hardships, failure, disappointment, pain and heartache. It only makes sense to share the difficult times along with the successful, happy times.
Social media is a great place to be inspired and to connect with other like-minded individuals.
Unfortunately, we live in a world where many people have unrealistic expectations of what they should look like, what they need to achieve and unrealistic standards to live up to. If you have found yourself stuck in the comparison trap, I am here to say that not everyone is winning at life.
Yes, picture perfect moments do exist but they exist amid a reel of behind-the-scene moments.
Often those embarrassing moments don't get documented or captured.
Here I am. Vulnerable, real and raw. Being honest and open about my life.
And right now, I'm certainly in the rocky stage of my relationship with gravel riding.
